iFive

So there was a ‘new’ iPhoneCostly but beautiful smartphone made by Apple. The standard by which all other smartphones are judged.. Well, a-slightly-different-from-the-last-one iPhone. It still can’t make a cappuccino or water the garden or change a nappy but the screen is a bit longer and it’s lighter and less thick than the iPhone 4. And it will have 4GLike 3G only faster. As of March 2012 the only 4G networks are in US and Canada. When it comes to the UK and Europe 4G will use a different wavelength and/or frequency to its US counterpart so devices designed to work in the US will not work with European 4G. They will still function, of course, but using the older, slower 3G protocols. Synergy and compatibility, don't you just love it? connectivity which means audio-visual drivel will download much faster than before and you’ll be able to squint at a movie on the 4-inch screen before you can say, ‘I need specs just to read text.’ The connector whatsit is different from previous AppleFruit, record label, world dominator in the slick boy's toys department devices and some berks have been suggesting this will get all purveyors of dock-type paraphernalia in a tizz but there’s an adapter so you can use the new phone with the old dock or whatever.

Don’t you want me baby?!

For the next 12 months the only carrier that will be able to offer 4G will be Everything Everywhere (and because no one knows what that is, everyone everywhere has to explain that some marketing morons decided it was to be the new moniker for the sordid affair between Orange and T-Mobile). So if you want 4G whizziness on your iPhone 5, EE is the only place to go. Vodafone, 3 and O2 are thrilled and Ofcom are no longer on their Christmas card list.

There’s a video on the Apple website which features some of Apple’s richest and most fabled nobs getting all misty-eyed as they explain how clever and beautiful their new baby is. It’s only a phone, gents, not the second coming. And, yes, it is exceedingly handsome but everyone thinks that about their progeny. Apparently it’s the last device to which Steve Jobs had any input. A fitting legacy, perhaps, but not half as fitting as Apple’s net worth. Let’s see that Apple TV – not the streaming device that currently exists, but Apple’s take on the goggle-box – and then we might stop being all sniffy and sarcastic. A 50-inch iPad, please.

To get your grubby mitts on a ‘free’ iPhone 5 will set you back £47 a month on contract. The equivalent Samsung smartphoneOpposite of dumbphone. Device with which which to do pretty much anything except make telephone calls. The best smartphone handsets, such as the Apple iPhone and Samsung Galaxy, are expensive (the iPhone 5 starts at £529) and to get a 'free' phone you have to commit to a 2 year contract. As we know, new phones come crashing onto the market all the time, so today's state-of-the-art handset will be seriously old hat long before that contract expires. is nearly half as much. But what would you rather have; a slice of Silicon Valley chic or a handset from Korean copyists fuelled by sautéed pooch and kimchee?

To order an iPhone 5 on a 4G tariff with EE click here. Tech Fogey is affiliated with Phones4U for mobile phonery and we make a groat or two if you buy stuff from Phones4U or Amazonor John Lewis if you do it via a link on the TF site.  It costs you no more than it otherwise would and the TF puppy gets fed.

To watch Sir Jonathan ‘Jony’ Ive explaining his vision and learn more about why Apple is cool and everyone else is burnt toast, click here.